the ONION

I wrote a bunch of Onion headlines. They were all rejected.
But it was fine because I had fun writing them. Just kidding, still sad!

Vatican Reveals “Resemblance To Turtle” Factors Heavily When Selecting New Pope

Fantasy Football Enthusiast Brags About Fantasy Sex Life

Seeing Eye Dog Caught Moonlighting For Neighbor With 20/20 Vision

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck Begrudgingly Admit They're From Topeka

Arson Suspect Arrested After Returning To Scene Of Crime To Retrieve Favorite Lighter

Study: Cotton Candy Good For Your Heart

Crime Novelist Struggles To Explain To Police How He Knows So Many Different Ways To Murder

Apple Now Selling Feces in a Box Because "You Fucking Idiots Will Buy Anything We Sell, Won’t You?"

NASA Grossly Miscalculated Time Until Sun Explodes, It’s Actually This Thursday

Adam Sandler Making “Little Nicky 2” Despite Major Resistance From Everyone Involved

Conspiracy Theorist Begins To Question Whether Conspiracy Theories Are Actually Just A Conspiracy

Man Starting To Think Biannual Meet-Ups With Jeff Have Become Too Frequent

Area Woman Telling Everyone She's "Definitely About To Start Working Out Again"

Electric Car Owner Manages To Slip His Current MPG Into Every Goddam Conversation 

Couple Excited To Try Out New Pet Names At Party

Report: Picture Only Worth 750 Words

Social Chair Of Fraternity Admits 90-Second Keg Stand Was Just Sad Attempt To Fill Void In Life

Neighborhood Dog Primary Suspect In Grisly Shooting Death Of Squirrel

Well-Endowed Woman Pleasantly Surprised By Man's Consistent Eye Contact During Job Interview

Quentin Tarantino's Favorite Filmmaker of All Time Obviously Quentin Tarantino

Study: 86% Of People Farting Right Now 

Headline Writer Quits Mid-Senten

Man Complains Casual Friday Was Anything But 

Ku Klux Klan Meeting Goes Long When Members Can't Decide To Graffiti Synagogue Or Burn Cross

Well-Hidden Cricket's Plan to Drive Man Completely Insane Nearly Complete 

Couple Excited To Try Out New Petty Argument At Party

Trevor’s Twin Bed In Disbelief Over How Few Girls Have Sat On Him

New Employee Shocked to Receive Big Laugh at "Working Hard or Hardly Working" Comment

God Admits He Used Sick Day To See New Jordan Peele Film A Second Time

God Admits He Missed Start of Russia/Ukraine War Because He Was Catching Up On “Queer Eye”

Man Immediately Regrets Well-Intentioned "Happy Ending" Joke During Massage

Woman Begrudgingly Admits She Enjoys Smell of Dog's Farts

Hairspray Only Making Apartment Fly Angrier

Spirit Airlines Offers Crash-Free Flight Option For Extra $59

World-Renowned Architect Has Trouble Explaining Why Bathroom Stall Doors Don't Reach The Floor

 Study: Nintendo Generation Thinks Anything Can Be Fixed By Blowing On It 

Gross, Horny Men Complaining That Mom Breastfeeding In Public Not Showing Enough Nipple

Six Duggar Children Die In Sledding Accident, Family Down To Only 13 Kids Now

Urinal Welcomes Three New Pubic Hairs This Month

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