the ONION
I wrote a bunch of Onion headlines. They were all rejected.
But it was fine because I had fun writing them. Just kidding, still sad!
Vatican Reveals “Resemblance To Turtle” Factors Heavily When Selecting New Pope
Fantasy Football Enthusiast Brags About Fantasy Sex Life
Seeing Eye Dog Caught Moonlighting For Neighbor With 20/20 Vision
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck Begrudgingly Admit They're From Topeka
Arson Suspect Arrested After Returning To Scene Of Crime To Retrieve Favorite Lighter
Study: Cotton Candy Good For Your Heart
Crime Novelist Struggles To Explain To Police How He Knows So Many Different Ways To Murder
Apple Now Selling Feces in a Box Because "You Fucking Idiots Will Buy Anything We Sell, Won’t You?"
NASA Grossly Miscalculated Time Until Sun Explodes, It’s Actually This Thursday
Adam Sandler Making “Little Nicky 2” Despite Major Resistance From Everyone Involved
Conspiracy Theorist Begins To Question Whether Conspiracy Theories Are Actually Just A Conspiracy
Man Starting To Think Biannual Meet-Ups With Jeff Have Become Too Frequent
Area Woman Telling Everyone She's "Definitely About To Start Working Out Again"
Electric Car Owner Manages To Slip His Current MPG Into Every Goddam Conversation
Couple Excited To Try Out New Pet Names At Party
Report: Picture Only Worth 750 Words
Social Chair Of Fraternity Admits 90-Second Keg Stand Was Just Sad Attempt To Fill Void In Life
Neighborhood Dog Primary Suspect In Grisly Shooting Death Of Squirrel
Well-Endowed Woman Pleasantly Surprised By Man's Consistent Eye Contact During Job Interview
Quentin Tarantino's Favorite Filmmaker of All Time Obviously Quentin Tarantino
Study: 86% Of People Farting Right Now
Headline Writer Quits Mid-Senten
Man Complains Casual Friday Was Anything But
Ku Klux Klan Meeting Goes Long When Members Can't Decide To Graffiti Synagogue Or Burn Cross
Well-Hidden Cricket's Plan to Drive Man Completely Insane Nearly Complete
Couple Excited To Try Out New Petty Argument At Party
Trevor’s Twin Bed In Disbelief Over How Few Girls Have Sat On Him
New Employee Shocked to Receive Big Laugh at "Working Hard or Hardly Working" Comment
God Admits He Used Sick Day To See New Jordan Peele Film A Second Time
God Admits He Missed Start of Russia/Ukraine War Because He Was Catching Up On “Queer Eye”
Man Immediately Regrets Well-Intentioned "Happy Ending" Joke During Massage
Woman Begrudgingly Admits She Enjoys Smell of Dog's Farts
Hairspray Only Making Apartment Fly Angrier
Spirit Airlines Offers Crash-Free Flight Option For Extra $59
World-Renowned Architect Has Trouble Explaining Why Bathroom Stall Doors Don't Reach The Floor
Study: Nintendo Generation Thinks Anything Can Be Fixed By Blowing On It
Gross, Horny Men Complaining That Mom Breastfeeding In Public Not Showing Enough Nipple
Six Duggar Children Die In Sledding Accident, Family Down To Only 13 Kids Now
Urinal Welcomes Three New Pubic Hairs This Month